I consider internet dating a necessary evil. It gives us a wider selection of people to reject, or by whom we can be rejected. Isn’t that handy?
I have subjected myself to this torture once or twice a year for the last 5 years. I can only take it for a month at the most before I have to pull my profile. While my profile is active, it’s almost an obsession that I’m tinkering with on an hourly basis. I’m also the director of a singles group in my area, so I’ve heard and seen quite a bit in the last 5 years.
This is meant to be helpful. Sincerely, it is. I know that I will offend some of you, but one thing I love about men is that you typically take humor much better than women. So if you’re about to send me a scathing comment because I hurt your feelings, realize that it will make you look like a girl.
1. No Text
Or NEARLY no text, as in these popular entries: “What you see is what you get,” or “I’m a down to earth (or easy going) guy.” The end. You try to make contact with me and that’s the only info you’re putting out there? You may as well go to a single’s bar wearing a brown paper bag over your head. A profile like that tells us you are either:
A. As dull as a box of dirt
B. Too lazy to make an effort
Is that the message you want to send? Yes, writing something that conveys who you really are IS hard. Maybe you could have a friend help. Ideally a friend with breasts.
2. No Spell Check
Come on, fellas. You know it’s available, right there under your middle finger. When you see the red zig-zag under the word, YOU’VE MISSPELLED IT. When you don’t fix it, a reasonably intelligent woman will assume that you are either not very bright or a bit lazy or both. Unless you look like the guy on the Old Spice commercial riding the horse, she will not be likely to find that very sexy.
3. The List of Sports
You imply that you run, rock climb, bicycle, snow board, in-line skate, and attend aerobics and yoga classes on a regular basis. Then when I meet you, all I can think is, “When is the baby due?” Lamaze does not count as yoga, and the 30-second dash to the fridge during a commercial break doesn’t count as running. Rock climbing? When? In the 80’s?
I am amazed at the overweight men I’ve met that discriminate against their female equivalents. I assume the “list” is supposed to scare away any woman who isn’t a fitness instructor. If you want to date Barbie, you really should look like Ken.
4. No Photo
My automatic assumption: you’re married. It doesn’t matter what you write after that. In my mind, you are married or in a relationship and want to shop around without getting caught. A guy I knew confessed that he would get up after having sex with his steady girlfriend and go on-line to check out who else was available. Slimy.
5. Photo of You on a Mountain Top Shot From Base Camp.
I know, you want her to see how athletic you are. I get it. I don’t mind having one of these photos in the collection, but we want to see your face. We want to see if your eyes are kind or cold, if you have a smile that is warm and loving or harsh and synthetic. By the way, the redneck toupee fools no one. If you’re losing your hair, don’t cover it up in every photo with a ball cap. It makes us think you’re trying to fool us. We are not that dumb. Okay, well, some of us are, but the rest of us realize you’re bald.
6. False Advertising
Regardless of your gender, we all hate showing up for a date and seeing a person that is 10+ years and/or 20+ pounds beyond the photos they sent. No matter how nice we try to be about it, deep down we’re still disappointed and feeling betrayed. Your well-planned excuse is irrelevant; we don’t trust you. Get a recent photo. Yeah, it’s a hassle. No, you DON’T still look like you did in college. Do you OWN a mirror?
7. Sexy photos or text
I am not a prude, but I do not want to have “phone sex” with a guy I met on-line 10 minutes ago. Evidently there are women out there who do this stuff, or you fellas wouldn’t keep trawling for it.
When I’m on a dating site, I’m looking for an honorable, mentally healthy man with whom I can potentially have a fulfilling long term relationship. Yes, awesome sex should eventually be a part of it. No, I don’t want to discuss the sexual aspect first. So the photos of you with your shirt off and pants unzipped are not a turn-on. No matter how sexy you are (at least in your own mind), leading with sex makes me think that you’re just looking for someone to nail. I’m not that kind of woman, and I’m not alone; there are plenty of really passionate women out there who need to have a deep emotional connection at the very least before they start playing doctor.
I know, I know, your ex-wife was frigid. I have spoken to many men who have just finished their divorces and they have told me that all they really want right now is sex; no emotional connection or responsibilities. This is not an honest way to go about it. I encourage them to take the truthful approach. Contact a prostitute.
Guys– if all you want is sex, don’t go on a dating site. The majority of these women are looking for a relationship. If you’re not ready for that, I am not condemning you. If you’re too broke to pay a professional, go to “Adult Friend Finder” or Craigslist “casual encounters”. Please, please leave us nice girls alone.
8. If She Responds With a Polite “No Thanks”
Do NOT ask her why she is not interested in you. There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING she is going to tell you that will not tick you off. You will NOT be able to argue your way into getting her to want you. She is not interested. Move on.
If you find that you cannot get the women you approach to respond to you favorably, perhaps you are going after women who are out of your league. I see this all the time and it breaks my heart. Really great guys that have a lot to offer in so many areas (except physical) are determined to get a girlfriend so beautiful, if you showed up at your high school reunion, your old classmates would assume she’s a relative, an escort, or she lost a bet. As a result, they are always alone, when there are nice (lonely) women all around them who would be a great match.
The dating advice I live by? Figure out the kind of mate you want, and then observe what kind of person THEY choose. If you are broke, overweight and your social life is your computer or TV, you are unlikely to attract a smokin’ hot, rock climbing millionaire. Your choices are:
1. Be honest about who you are, accept yourself for who you are and adjust your standards to reflect that acceptance.
2. Find happiness and contentment in being single and stop trying to find someone who meets your (possibly unrealistic) standards.
3. BECOME the kind of person you seek to attract. This is hard and may take a great deal of time and effort, physically, financially and emotionally.
4. Continue beating your head into the wall so that you can feel sorry for yourself. Who knows? Taylor Swift is still single. Maybe she’ll hear about it and feel so bad for you that she’ll take you on tour with her just to make you feel better…
My book, Dating, Sex, & Jesus is now available at Amazon.com. Please “like” the Dating, Sex, & Jesus Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/DatingandJesus for fun and interesting content and book excerpts in your feed. Thanks!