So Now it is Over

For over a year, my motto was “If there’s no first date, there can’t be a break-up.”  It served me well, and I was content to be single rather than be in a relationship that didn’t work and generally made me  miserable.

Then I met someone that really intrigued me.  I have my moments of brilliance (though I don’t always follow through), and Googled him early on.  I made the conscious decision to accept him “as is”.  We are all works in progress, and I have many rough edges myself.  In the months that followed, I grew tremendously, and I saw him grow as well.  It was magical.

Suddenly, everything fell apart.  It was madness.  Both of our hearts are broken and I don’t think we’ll ever be able to put it back together again.

I am devastated.  I want to be angry at him, but I have to take responsibility for the fact that I knew the risks going in.  He grew in amazing ways, but not in every way.  Love is a gamble.  Humans are risky.  I rolled the dice and it did not go well for me.

I am exhausted just thinking about starting all over with a new person; getting to know them, learning if I can trust them, letting myself fall in love or climbing out the bathroom window.

I know it is FAR too soon to even think about jumping back in with someone else. I mean seriously, the LAST thing I want to think about when I’ve just puked my guts out on a roller coaster is going back to an amusement park.

But I will admit that I am tired of tackling all of life’s challenges alone.  I had a major triumph last week and ached to share it with someone (besides my Mom) who would really be excited with me. Facebook is better than solitude, but it is a poor substitute for real eye-to-eye, skin-on-skin human interaction.  I have friends, of course, but no one that I would consider a “best friend”. He and I had become best friends,  and now my best friend is gone.  My girl friends love me, but they are busy with their own lives.  I get it; I’m not upset with them at all.

I love being in love, having someone to cook for, plan trips and projects with, and just snuggle after a rough day.  I love having someone with whom I can share my life.

I will do my best to remember the positive things that came of my failed relationship.  I will do my best to let go of regrets and wishes and hurt feelings.  If I cannot, I am doomed to live in bitterness, where love can never take root.

My book, Dating, Sex, & Jesus is now available at Amazon.com. Please “like” the Dating, Sex, & Jesus Facebook page at: www.facebook.com/DatingandJesus for fun and interesting content and book excerpts in your feed. Thanks!

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About howhardcoulditbe

While this started as a chronicle of my many (sometimes ill-conceived) "Do It Yourself" projects, it has morphed into a journal of my 9-year journey as a single Christian woman striving to live by God's design.
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10 Responses to So Now it is Over

  1. imafaghag says:

    This was an awesome and incredibly honest post.

  2. Dewey says:

    I know how you feel, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you two. I have no advice as I have no idea what the “right” or best thing to do next, even for myself. My thoughts echo your words almost exactly. And being alone can be good, but being with someone that truly loves you and accepts you the way that you are, is better. How does one get there? I wish I knew. I’m sure you will have many more opportunities to find someone that is a good match you. And I know they will count it a blessing when they find you.

    I really enjoy the things you write. You express yourself so well and it is always a good read.
    Blessings.

  3. Very moving. Some of your words were familiar enough that I could easily relate, possibly even have chosen same words if I could have found them. I think you did a beautiful job keeping the focus on you and not letting the particulars of the relationship and it’s demise take over the meaning. It’s so hard to fight the urge to lay it all out there, the details you included invoked enough emotions to capture what you feel. I felt disappointment, sadness, acceptance, wistful, hope and determination. at different points while reading . I am curious to know if any of that was what you started with.
    Peace
    Lizzie cracked (not broken)

    • Tremendous sadness, frustrated acceptance, determination to do the wisest and most loving thing for myself (without hurting him), and perhaps wistful hope that I am wrong, that he will grow more in my absence and come back to me healthier and ready to SHOW me some evidence that I might be able to learn to trust him again… but ultimately knowing that it is spectacularly unlikely.
      Such is the nature of human nature.

      Thank you for your thoughtful remarks.

  4. Urg. Moving out of limbo is a great step forward in your life. Hope I see you soon.

  5. I feel your pain. I too am single and the thing that I miss the most about not being in a relationship
    is not having someone to sleep with. I don’t even mean sex but someone to spoon with and cuddle with and wake up with.

    John

  6. emjayandthem says:

    I’m sorry it didn’t work out as you hoped but I do think it’s necessary to feel the grief and loss after it ends … and to have that time to be alone in your thoughts and not have him to turn to. I think it teaches us the parts we value/want to hang on to/look for again one day and what traits we can get rid of.

    Intimacy = in-to-me-see. Such an honest and heartfelt post that will resonate with many. Thank you. MJ

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