For over a year, my motto was “If there’s no first date, there can’t be a break-up.” It served me well, and I was content to be single rather than be in a relationship that didn’t work and generally made me miserable.
Then I met someone that really intrigued me. I have my moments of brilliance (though I don’t always follow through), and Googled him early on. I made the conscious decision to accept him “as is”. We are all works in progress, and I have many rough edges myself. In the months that followed, I grew tremendously, and I saw him grow as well. It was magical.
Suddenly, everything fell apart. It was madness. Both of our hearts are broken and I don’t think we’ll ever be able to put it back together again.
I am devastated. I want to be angry at him, but I have to take responsibility for the fact that I knew the risks going in. He grew in amazing ways, but not in every way. Love is a gamble. Humans are risky. I rolled the dice and it did not go well for me.
I am exhausted just thinking about starting all over with a new person; getting to know them, learning if I can trust them, letting myself fall in love or climbing out the bathroom window.
I know it is FAR too soon to even think about jumping back in with someone else. I mean seriously, the LAST thing I want to think about when I’ve just puked my guts out on a roller coaster is going back to an amusement park.
But I will admit that I am tired of tackling all of life’s challenges alone. I had a major triumph last week and ached to share it with someone (besides my Mom) who would really be excited with me. Facebook is better than solitude, but it is a poor substitute for real eye-to-eye, skin-on-skin human interaction. I have friends, of course, but no one that I would consider a “best friend”. He and I had become best friends, and now my best friend is gone. My girl friends love me, but they are busy with their own lives. I get it; I’m not upset with them at all.
I love being in love, having someone to cook for, plan trips and projects with, and just snuggle after a rough day. I love having someone with whom I can share my life.
I will do my best to remember the positive things that came of my failed relationship. I will do my best to let go of regrets and wishes and hurt feelings. If I cannot, I am doomed to live in bitterness, where love can never take root.
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