Every time I hear a man moan about women not liking “nice guys” I want to say something, but usually don’t. Today I’m going to say it.
Dear Nice Guys,
I know you are frustrated that women don’t find you attractive and you love to say that it’s because we like “bad boys.” That’s a convenient mantra, but I’m throwing the b.s. flag on that play. I consistently find four reasons why “Nice Guys” stay single. The test at the bottom will help you figure out which category suits you.
The “Mr. Rogers” Nice Guy
There is no disputing it: you ARE a really nice guy. Unfortunately, if I were to match you with a woman who is the same age as you, equally attractive, with an equivalent (often very introverted) personality, I’m betting that you would be mortified at the thought of dating her. You would tell me that you’re “just not attracted to her.” The woman you want is typically younger and more attractive than you. She often has a sparkling, outgoing personality and there are usually many men who are interested in her. You can’t compete with those guys, so she puts you in the “friend” zone.
The “Joey Tribiani” Nice Guy
I sometimes see very nice men who struggle to support themselves. At midlife, they are just squeaking by, and often require the help of friends and/or relatives to do so. He has many good reasons for this, and more than once I’ve heard that it’s not his fault. If he’s rejected by a woman, he claims it’s because women are so materialistic. Of course, the women he finds attractive are usually fairly financially secure and at a good place in their careers. Funny how it works that way.
The “Ted Baxter” “Nice Guy”
I’ve met many men who think of themselves as great guys. They are financially and physically fit, and attractive, too. They can’t figure out why women aren’t interested in them. They claim it must be because they are “too nice.” Here’s the truth of it: we see something really upsetting in your personality. We sense your deep anger issues, massive ego, or figure out that you have a tiny, hard little heart that demands much and loves little. We figure out that you are selfish and unkind and we won’t stay with you. But you refuse to see that about yourself, so you just call us all crazy or say that we only want “bad boys” or claim that we want someone richer.
The “White Knight” Nice Guy
I do know some nice guys who are attracted to women who are in many ways a good match for them. The relationships work for a while, but eventually fall apart. Why? Because she’s a damsel in perpetual distress. She might be a great gal in many ways, but before too long, her alcoholism begins to create problems. Or perhaps she’s a single mom with a psychotic ex (or family member) who has a way of continually damaging her life. Or she’s really smart and capable, but (emotionally) severely damaged. He invests years into a relationship with a woman who will never be fully able to love him in return, yet he feels guilty about leaving.
Nice Guys: do you want to be “right,” or do you want to be in a great relationship with a woman who accepts and loves you? Find a few women who you can trust to be honest with you and try the following exercises:
#1: Have them go to a dating website and select 10 women they think would be an equal match based on looks, personality, and other data listed in the profile. Would you date those women? I did this exercise with a friend of mine, and he decided to give up dating rather than date women who were in his “range.”
#2: Look at your financial and living situation. Would you be excited about dating a woman who is in the same position and for the same length of time?
#3: Without telling them WHY they are doing this exercise, ask your female friends (NOT your mom) to put the following positive character traits in order from the most descriptive (1) to the least descriptive (10) of you:
If “kind, generous, thoughtful, loving, loyal” are at the bottom of the list, you may be a great guy in your own mind, but to the women you seek to attract? You’re kind of an ass.
#4: Ask friends who have known your exes to review your last 10 years of relationships. What do your friends see as the reason these relationships ended? Was it because of her infidelity, instability or addiction?
Do you want better results? Get some honest women to help you figure it out. Or you can just “Be Right” in your own head and continue to blame all of us shallow women who only like bad boys.